


I Can't Lose This

by The_Selective_Participater



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur can be a Royal Asshat, Gwaine is Bestie, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oblivious Arthur, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-20 22:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6028591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Selective_Participater/pseuds/The_Selective_Participater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur's hasn't been the the kindest or most reasonable person since his father's death.</p>
<p>Luckily for him, Merlin is loyal to a fault. </p>
<p>Unluckily for Merlin, who's been a bit under the weather.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Lose This

**Author's Note:**

> A/N I have done research on medical practices during medieval times and it was...ehn(kinda disturbing at times). So I tweaked and sorta modernized some things...sorta. I have also never written anything even remotely romantic before so this was a first for me, so please remember that before you light your torches and sharpen your pitchforks.

"Bloody hell, Merlin! You're making a bloody mess of things!"

The lanky servant boy winced at the harsh tone, moving quickly to wipe up the spilled beverage before it could spread any further. Glancing up through his lashes he watched as Arthur agressively ripped apart a morsel of bread and chewed on it as if it committed a personal offense. Stormy blue eyes suddenly met his own and he hastily returned his attention to the task at hand. Arthur made an annoyed sound and abandoning his meal, stood abruptly before strolling over to where his clothes lay on the bed.

"S-s" Merlin broke off to cough into the crook of his arm. He'd woken up this morning with an odd tickle in his throat that now left his voice breathy and weak. "Sire?"

"What now, Merlin?" Arthur growled, yanking the tunic over his head and fumbling with the ties.

"Shall I assist you with..." He trailed off at the glare thrown his way and made his way to his Prince-now King- gently taking the laces from fumbling fingers and swiftly and efficiently tying them before straightening the tunic and adjusting the belt. He frowned when he had to tighten it another notch. Arthur seemed to be losing weight, not drastically so, but Merlin couldn't help notice. He was a worrier at heart.

"Are we done? I am quite busy you know." Startled Merlin took a step back watching Arthur fidget with his shirt sleeve before fixing him with a blank stare."Clean up this mess, will you. And it's filthy in here, I want it spotless when I return in the evening. Am I understood?"

Bowing slightly Merlin answered in a voice barely above a whisper. "Yes, sire."

"Good." And with that Arthur was gone.

Finally left to his own devices, Merlin slowly sank unto the bed behind him taking a moment to just...rest. The previous day had been harrowing with the preparations being made for a visiting King of a neighboring kingdom. King Olriond had a reputation of being overly demanding and overbearing, not that Merlin had no experience with spoiled prats (after all he was the man servant to one) but Olriond was a true test of patience. One that Merlin will surely fail if he could not keep his sharp tongue in check.

With a sigh he surveyed the room, mentally calculating just how long it would take to tackle the task at hand and complete his many many other daily tasks. He'd already missed breakfast in order to serve Arthur his own breakfast on time and he had promised Gwaine that he would find time to help him with a project that day but he would have to cancel again. Arthur has been running him ragged for weeks, it was a rare occasion when he had a moment to himself. He thought about the harsh tone that seemed to replace Arthur's once sure but kind tone. As much as Merlin would like to be angry with the now King he could not bring himself to harbor such ill feelings toward his friend. The loss of Uther hit Arthur hard and not wanting to appear weak he kept all the rage and grief locked away where no one could see. As a result the feelings festered and caused the once prince to be quick to anger, snapping at friends and acquaintances alike. The people of the castle by some unspoken rule chose to give the king a wide berth in order to avoid his unpredictable bursts of temper.

Almost everyone except Merlin of course.

"Because you never know when to bloody leave well enough alone." He chastised himself.

Well it was more than that if he were being honest. All the pent up anger had to go somewhere, be unleashed on someone, and at his own expense Merlin had voluntarily taken up the role. He knew he could handle it. Most importantly he knew Arthur. Seeing such a close friend in so much pain was enough to keep his mouth shut when he so badly wanted to snap back with harsh words of his own, but he knew that was not what Arthur needed right now. He was confident that when the time came Arthur would come to him.

And if he were being even more honest with himself he had another reason for staying close to the temperamental blonde...

Standing abruptly, he dusted imaginary dirt off of his pants, glad that no one was there to question the sudden pink hue of his cheeks. He didn't have time for such frivolous thoughts about his own _king_ for godsake! Not when there was the washing to do, dusting, sweeping, mucking out the stables... He crinkled his nose at that.

The weather had been chilly as of late and he'd have to remember to put on more layers before heading out. He started to clear the table, wrapping what was salvageable in a cloth to feed to the stray cats that hung around the stables, when a cough erupted from his chest. It tapered off after a few seconds as he rubbed his sore chest. He resumed his cleaning, reminding himself to ask Gaius for something for his cough later.

..............

 

By the time he collapses into his bed late that night he had forgotten all about it.

 

................

 

 

"The ruttish lout..." Merlin growls to himself as he trudges through the dense underbrush with only the moon to light his way.

Pray tell why he was out at such an ungodly hour, navigating through Camelot's woods in weather that made it feel as if his own eyes were frozen over? Because King Olriond could not - would not rest until he had his nightly lavender bath. It mattered not that it was his last night here in Camelot, he had to have it _now_ .

"Send the servant boy, he says. The fresh air will do him good, he says." Merlin mumbles beneath his breath. What hurt the most is how Arthur just looked at him, as if to say 'well, get a move on'.Orliond was certainly not the first overbearing royal to pass through Camelot and certainly was not the last but Arthur usually stood up for him when their demands got too outlandish or unreasonable. And this was far past unreasonable. It felt as if he had been walking for hours.

He was sure the plants were near here but it was hard to see by just the moonlight. He'd just made the decision to turn back when his foot caught on what might have been a tree root and he sprawled forward. His knees hit the icy ground hard but that was the least of his problems. Pain shot up from his right hand and he hissed clutching it close to his chest.

"Damn it!" He didn't want to use his magic so near the castle but he had had enough. He was freezing, tired, and extremely angry. His eyes flashed a golden color and he spoke a few words while concentrating, after a few moments a bundle of lavender gently floated through the air and he grabbed it with his uninjured hand. Shakily getting to his feet he used an illumination incantation to light his way back home, extinguishing it when he got close. The plants were delivered and he made his way back home where he saw the extent of his injury. The cut wasn't long but it was quite deep and peppered with dirt. Great. He wiped the wound with a cloth, much too tired to be thorough, before wrapping it in a makeshift bandage. He trudged over to his cot before collapsing on it, not even bothering to change out of his dirt covered clothing, and fell into a fitful sleep.

 

..........................

 

 

Gwaine was worried about Merlin.

He knew his friend was a hard worker and as a knight his own schedule was varied and unpredictable but they always found time to grab a drink at the tavern or just talk about whatever burdened them at the time, then they eventually ended up laughing until tears streamed down both their faces. Now he was lucky if he caught a glimpse of the young man the past couple of weeks. He missed his friend dearly, and as much as he'd like to blame Arthur for his extended absence he knew that he needed Merlin, more than he'd ever admit to himself.

He's actually on his way to speak with Gaius when he sees, more like hears, Merlin.

His friend is leaning against a pillar and the ragged coughs escaping him cause him to wince in sympathy. They sounded wet, and like they _hurt_.

He quickens his pace just in time to see Merlin sway on his feet and grab the pillar with both hands to keep his balance. In a moment he is by the raven-haired boy's side, holding one of his thin arms in his own.

"Merlin??" His voice comes out a surprised squeak because Merlin is burning up, the heat rolling off of pale, clammy skin in waves.

"God, Merlin! You're burning up mate!" It takes a terrifyingly long moment for Merlin's glassy eyes to find his own. He moves his arm from Merlin's own to around his waist and bites back a gasp. The lad had always been on the lean side but now he can feel the ridges of ribs beneath his fingers and his hip bone juts out and pokes against him uncomfortably.

"Merlin, mate you're ill. I'm taking you to Gaius."

"No!" He starts at the ferocity behind the words.

"Merl-"

"No...Arthur. I have to... my duties..."

"I'm sure he'll understand, you can't work in this condition mate-"

"He knows..." His blood ices over. Arthur _had_ been a bit cold of late but he would never...not with Merlin. This is just cruel, malicious even.

"T-tol' me ' uh work through it." Noticing that his words are slurring he looked down at Merlin and saw that his eyes were alarmingly vacant.

"Merlin? Mate can you hear me?" Merlin says nothing but a sound between between a groan and a whine escapes from between dry lips. He opens his mouth to try again when Merlin's dull azure eyes rolled back until only the whites showed through a small slit and his entire body stiffened before tremors wracked his thin body and Gwaine was left holding the convulsing man's entire weight.

"Bloody-Merlin!? God, Merlin can you hear me??" He slid to the floor, cradling his friend's head in his lap while his limbs spasmed and tremored in a rhythmic staccato. His hand fluttered over Merlin's body, not sure where to touch and his heart seized when he saw the now blue-ish tint to his friend's lips. Gwaine was panicking. He'd never seen anything like this, was he dying? Was Merlin dying right here in his lap? In the next moment the tremors suddenly stopped and Merlin lay oh so still on his lap, breaths coming out harsh and uneven. Moving quickly he scooped the worringly light man into his arms and took off in the direction of Gaius's clinic.

"Hang on, Merlin. Please hang on."

 

..........................

 

Arthur is sparring with Percival when he notices the sandy blonde's eyes widen at something behind him. He turns right in time to have a fist smash into his cheek. His ears are still ringing when he turns and sees Percival holding back a livid and fighting Gwaine.

"You sarding arsehole!!! Piece...of...shite!!! How could you!? Perc let me go!Let me GO!!" Gwaine looks ready to skin him alive but his eyes are red rimmed and tears are still trailing down his cheeks.

"Gwaine, are you mad?! You have attacked our king! What you have done is treason!" Leon hisses, stepping between him and the still raging knight.

"This monster is no king of mine!"

"Enough! You-"

"Let him speak." Arthur interupts, turning to face Gwaine.

"Say your piece and I may spare your life."

"You dare call yourself a king yet you treat your own subjects with disregard! I know you grieve your father but that is no excuse for what you've done! Have you no heart? No soul?"

The raw pain in Gwaine's voice gives him reason to pause even though he has no idea what the man speaks of.

"What is it that you believe I have done?" Gwaine finally wrests his arms from Percival but makes no move to attack him again.

"Merlin, you knew he was sick?" Arthur thinks back to that morning. Merlin had been withdrawn b-

"You knew he was sick yet you told him to 'work through it'" He rolled his eyes.

"I wouldn't call laziness sickn-"

"He almost bloody died!" The silence that followed was deafening. Died? Died? Merlin? That's not pos-

"He collapsed in the hall and started convulsing. I brought him to Gaius and he-he stopped breathing. If I hadn't... if I hadn't been there..." The unspoken words hung heavy in the air.

"You know, Merlin was the one who convinced me to become a knight. He kept going on about how it was a privilege to serve under the ruling of a valiant man, a good man. A good man would never treat his friends, no matter his status in such a manner. I am resigning from my position as a knight. If you want to execute me do so after Merlin is better." And with that the man turned away headed back to where his friend continued to fight for his life.

"Sire?" Leon and Percival looked at him imploringly.

"Go." He whispered knowing that they wanted to see their friend for themselves. Without a word both knights turned and raced out of sight leaving Arthur to his thoughts.

 

 

............................

 

 

Arthur was angry. To be fair he was always angry lately. His anger hung around him like a dark suffocating fog. It caused his fingers to twitch when a raid did not go as planned, fists clench as he sat through another strategic meeting with his council, kept him up nightly thinking of vengeance, for himself, for his father. His anger was unpredictable and irrational. It made him lash out at people who cared for him and overshadowed the feelings of guilt when he saw how deeply his words cut. It had become his life this festering rage.

It was maybe why he could detect the same simmering emotion in the eyes of his own men.

It took only a few moments after his knights departed before he worked up the courage to follow them. Not that he was scared, he was never a cowardly man, but he wasn't quite sure what to...feel. His whole existence the past few months has been seen thru a red film of anger and he had possibly forgotten what it meant to be _him_. How should he approach this, what would the old Arthur do? Say? Feel?

And just like that the constant thrumming underneath his skin ceased and the veil of red dissapated because the look Leon threw his way was not one that he often saw on the level-headed man. His steps faltered as steely blue eyes darkened significantly at his arrival. Leon stood next to Percival effectively blocking the doorway from any intruder. He gestured for them to grant him passage into Giaus's quarters. Percival regarded him silently, jaw clenched and nostrils flaring but he remained an immovable force. Leon finally spoke, his voice deepened and words clipped.

"We do not believe that to be in Merlin's best interest...sire." Arthur swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry.

"Did...did he ask-"

"He didn't ask _anything_ , as he has yet to regain consciousness." Percival uncharacteristically interjected. "If he regains consciousness..."

"Can I see him?" His words sounded hollow and far away. He felt oddly detached from himself.

"Percival, Leon. Let him in." At the sound of Gaius's voice he peered between the shoulders of his knights and spotted the aged physician. His frazzled appearance and weary voice did not bode well for Arthur's peace of mind. The Knights all considered Merlin a good friend, especialy Gwaine who was very protective of the smaller man. He had been hoping that their reactions were a direct result of worry, exaggerated because it was one of their own who had fallen ill. Gaius's appearance dashed that hope against the ground and his heart rate sped up in trepidation.

"It will be alright." The physician spoke up before either knight could protest.

"Gwaine is watching over him." That being said with a pointed look at Arthur. Both knights stepped aside but remained nearby in case they were needed.

"Thank you, Gaius I-"

"Do not thank me, nor do I want to hear your excuses. Do not believe that I am allowing you to see him out of the goodness of my heart. This is your penance, Arthur." Arthur stared in shock before giving a stiff nod and stepping toward's Merlin's chambers.

Stepping over the threshold the first thing he noticed was just how small the room was itself. The stables in which his horses were kept were much larger than the small accommodations. Then he noticed Gwaine, sat in a chair besides a cot and a wet cloth held loosely in his hand seemingly unaware of his presence. Then his eyes landed on the bed and the very blood froze in his veins. Merlin looked...like a corpse.

His face was pale and gaunt, dark shadows pooled underneath closed eyelids. A blanket was pulled down to his waist but his torso remained bare and shook with small tremors. Merlin's harsh stuttering breaths were unnaturally loud in the small room. He watched as Gwaine rung out the wet cloth and wiped it across the fevered man's forehead. Merlin whimpered pitifully but did not rouse. Gaius was right. This was his penance.

"You here to see if he's faking it? To get out doing his duty?" Arthur startled at Gwaine's words, though harsh they were spoken in a weary tone.

"I just... I want to help. Please? Any way I can.P-please. " Gwaine looked at him for a moment, taking in the desperate gleam in his eye and the way his clenched hands trembled at his sides, not with anger as usual but with fear. Satisfied with what he saw he gestured at the chair opposite his own on the other side of the cot and waited until Arthur sat before handing him a cool cloth. Arthur took it without a word and looked at the knight expectantly.

"Merlin cut his hand at some point and the wound got infected." Arthur glanced down and noticed that one of Merlin's hands was indeed wrapped up in bandages.

"He was unwell before but the infection is making it harder for him to heal, the fever keeps rising. We need to keep his temperature down, make it easier for him." He continued to wipe across Merlin's pale skin and after a moment Arthur followed his lead, first unsure about touching Merlin in such an innocent but personal matter, but soon got into a steady rhythm stopping only to dip the cloth in fresh water. Eventually the fever decreased significantly as the shivering stopped and Merlin's breath eased into a steady rhythm.

A few moments passed before Gaius entered the room, clearing his throat to get their attention.

"Gwaine, I have need of your services.There is an herb that I need in order to complete an elixir for Merlin." Gwaine looked over at the physician who stood patiently in the doorway.

"Why not send Leon or Percival, or both?"

"This is not a herb that is abundantly found, also you are the only one besides Merlin and I who have seen it. That will make the search that much quicker." Gaius stated logically. Arthur watched as they shared a look between them before Gwaine stood with a sigh.

"Alright." He glanced over at Arthur who ducked his head. He really did not want to leave Merlin in this state. He had to make this better somehow, make it up to Merlin. If he'd let him.

"Arthur, promise you'll watch over him." Surprised Arthur looked up at Gwaine who fixed him with an unwavering stare.

"You have my word." Gwaine nodded before taking his leave, followed by Gauis who quietly closed the door behind them.

 

...............................

 

As he soothed the now warm cloth over pale skin he took the chance to observe the sleeping man. Arthur unashamedly enjoyed teasing Merlin. _Don't be such a **girl** , Merlin_. Merlin assumed that he was making fun of Merlin's weariness for doing anything even remotely dangerous. And yes that was a component of it but it was also because the young man had such...girly features. Like his lashes, dark, thick and unbelievably long resting delicately against defined cheeks. He thought of how they fluttered when Merlin was surprised or flustered. How Merlin would peer at him from under his lashes bright blue eyes gauging his mood. And his lips, pink and plump. Pursing when Arthur did something he didn't approve of, or pulling up on the side in a lopsided grin. And soft, he traced a thumb over the bottom lip now, Merlin's mouth opened slightly with a breathy sigh and he felt himself leaning closer. They were just so soft...He froze. What the hell am I doing? He snatched his hand back, clenching it in his tunic.

His heart was pounding widely in his chest and he realized that he'd stopped breathing and unleashed a shaky breath. Why did he do that? Okay he did know why he did it. He'd been wondering what Merlin's lips felt like for quite some time but it was wrong. This was wrong.

"God!" He groaned running his hands through his hair. What was he doing? This was Merlin. His friend? But that wasn't right either. Gwen was his friend, Leon, Percival, but he didn't want to bloody kiss them! He dropped his hands into his lap. That was it isn't it. He tentatively reached forward running his hands through deceptively soft raven locks.

Somewhere along the line the friendship that he so valued became something different, something more. He'd tried to ignore it. The fluttering in his chest whenever Merlin would smile at him, the genuine grin that caused his eyes to crinkle and hidden dimples would make themselves known. Or when slim fingers would brush against his bare skin when helping him dress, causing him to flush.

It was too late he was enamored.

He wanted to kiss this man.

He closed his eyes and dropped his head softly against Merlin's shoulder, lacing one of his hands in his own.

 

"Damn it Merlin. Sometimes I wished I never met you y'know. But you...you've made me a better person. Cliche I know. But it's true. I wasn't exactly a nice guy. You saw that first hand, sorry about that by the way. I never said sorry..." He snorted. He hadn't changed all that much then. "I'm **so** sorry Merlin. I'm just filled with this anger and I don't know what to do. It's driving me mad. It's no excuse for what I've done to you, how I'd treated you. I care so much about you, but hurt you more than anyone. When you wake up you'll probably hate me..." His breath hitched but he continued. "But I'll always care for you, Merlin."

 

"I could never hate you, you idiot." Arthur's head snapped up and he found himself looking into clear blue eyes.

"Merlin!"

"In the flesh-"

"Are you ok? Are you in pain? Do you need anything. Should-should I-" A warm hand clamped over his mouth effectively cutting off his panicked rambling.

"Shush, I'm okay. Okay?" He waited until Arthur nodded before removing his hand.

"Good, now help me up." With a bit of maneuvering Merlin was upright and leaning against the headboard behind him. Arthur looked down at their still entwined fingers, not ready to let go just yet.

"Did you mean what you said?" Merlin asked softly, squeezing his hand until he looked up. Arthur looked up and just stared. He'd almost lost this, almost lost Merlin.

"You mean so much to me, Merlin. I know you don't feel the same-" He startled as he was suddenly pulled forward and warm lips pressed against his. His free hand wound it's way into Merlin's unruly hair and he felt Merlin pull him even closer, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. Merlin's tongue swept across his bottom lip and Arthur eagerly opened giving Merlin access-

"I presume you are feeling better." The two men startled, pulling away and turning to see Gaius leaning against the doorway with a knowing smirk.

"Uh, I-I'm fine. Amazing. Super." Merlin answered. Gaius nodded before taking his leave. Arthur turned back to Merlin to see one of his eye crinkling smiles and his heartbeat sped up in his chest. He couldn't lose this, wouldn't lose this. Merlin pulled him close once more pressing their foreheads together. They sat quietly holding on to each other, before Merlin spoke.

 

"I care for you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Well I gave it a go. Hopefully it wasn't too out of character?  
> Thanks for reading! Comments/criticism are welcome.


End file.
